alive (personal post) *explicit content*

WARNING: Shit is About to Get Real

I am writing this for plenty of reasons:

1) this is an attempt at some form of closure that I never really got

2) I need to remind myself of why/how I'm alive so I can keep it that way

3) I hope someone reading this will be helped and/or inspired by it

...and here we go

I have been through some shit in my life; I'm 19 years old, but it feels like I've lived and enough to be about 180

But maybe that's just because the lifetime I've been going along with has thrown some experiences at me that some people wouldn't even believe

You know that saying, the one about how God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers? Every time I heard this I used to hate it

Strong? Me? You've got me confused with someone else, mister

For a while it felt like "God" was giving his most hellish battles to his most fragile angel 

Because what's funnier than watching a weak little girl think she has a fighting chance? Am I right?

I would try and fight the battles, but I would stand up for myself only to be knocked down

After awhile I got tired, so tired, of fighting. Why fight something you can't win?

These battles tested my wits, and you know what? I eventually gave up

I picked my skin until it swelled, cut until I was profusely bleeding, cried until my eyes looked as in pain as my heart felt

Thinking, is this what you guys want? You now have me at my most vulnerable

I am totally and irreparably broken... happy?

But there's one thing I didn't realize until recently:

You have to pick and choose your battles, and you're  not going to win them all, no matter what

But you know what you can win?

The war

Because as much bullshit as the world wants to throw at you, and as bad as things may seem,

You're still alive

There are people all over the world that have dealt with the same problems as me, but weren't so lucky, as in they didn't make it out alive

But why me? It can't be because I'm special, because all those years of being bullied taught me how much of a piece of shit I am

And further than that, even if I AM a piece of shit, I don't think I deserve half of the cards I was dealt

Yeah, there's things I've been able to control and say yes or no to, but other things aren't so easy

Yeah I can say yes/no to drugs, but its a lot harder to say that to the face of your rapist, especially when you already said no once, except he didn't give a fuck

But regardless, living through these battles has nothing to do with being special, or with being a piece of shit that needs the punishment

It has to do with the fact that obviously you are strong enough, because you're still here

I had (key word had) a terrible god awful drug issue, but I'm still alive

I've been raped twice, once robbed for my virginity, the second time robbed for my money, phone, and dignity, but I'm still alive

I've had to be sent to the psych ward a couple of times, but I'm still alive

I've had the nice beaten out of me by my one ex on a regular basis, but I'm still alive

I've found love and completely fucked it up and lost that person, but I'm still alive

I could go on all day

But the point I'm trying to make is that you are strong enough to face the problems that've been thrown at you

And the proof? You're still alive!

I used to loathe being alive, and I tried really ending it a few times because it became unbearable

But I've been strong enough to make it this far, and I still wake up every morning and live another day

And trust me, If I can do this shit, so can you

You don't have to be humble, you don't have to act special, you don't have to be happy all the time

All you have to realize is that you are a human, and our minds and experiences really test our patience

And each time you go through something, you get stronger

You have lived through another hardship, and it is important to recognize the life you still have and the strength that you have accumulated over your lifetime

I might be a bitch, a bastard, a slut, anything you wanna call me

But before anything I am strong, and no one can ever take that away from me, or you

Keep on keeping on

Xoxo, 

Liza Jane

#OOTD *Punk Rocky*

#OOTD Punk Rocky

Hey there, readers! Sorry I've been absent for a bit.. I've been having a couple personal/family matters that have turned out to be quite troubling.

But enough about my problems, onto the #OOTD!

Tonight I had a date-kinda-sorta thing with a friend of mine, and it was absolutely wonderful. You know when you haven't seen someone in a while, and you're not sure how they're expecting you to be, so you just blow them away with your style just to be safe? This was one of those things. 

Anyway, I got all dressed up to get messy with some wings and mini panzarotti's, and by some miracle I didn't stain a single thing!

I did, however, tear a couple irreparable holes in my stockings. As unfortunate as it was, it was totally expected, considering with stockings you have about 3 wears at the absolute most that you can get away with before you put a run in them.

I also noticed recently that I've been leaning more towards a tough, edgy, punk style. Though not on purpose, I'm absolutely loving it (I look damn good in a nice leather jacket). Don't believe me?

PROOF:

Not too shabby, eh? And can we please for a second just look how CUTE these tights are?! I saw them in Hot Topic today, and I'm smitten for the kittens. Also, although it's hard to see, the pin I'm wearing is my absolute favorite pin of all the pins I own (I have a denim jacket that I covered in a couple pins, I'll detail more in another blog post *promise*). It's a vintage Rocky Horror Picture Show pin, and if you know me you know how incredibly in love I am with the movie and with Dr. Frank-n-Furter (the dreamiest of the dreamiest transvestites).

This is a look at the outfit sans jacket. If you haven't noticed by now, little black dresses are kind of my thing. My signature, if you will. I wear this little number about 4 times a week on average, and thats because it goes with absolutely everything you could imagine and more. Same with the shoes, I love my little Jeffrey Campbell booties.

From the back. I think it's so cute that the tights have kitty faces on the front and their tails in the back. Also, my hair looks super blonde and fluffy, which I love (especially considering this hairstyle took all of 7 seconds out of my day to accomplish). 

Side Note: This outfit made me feel like Madonna in the 80's.

Twins, right?

..Time for a close up!

Acessories: Normally I rotate between the same 3 necklaces and skip on earrings, but I decided to actually accessorize for once with this cute Francesca's finds. I love how the necklace is cropped and falls just around my neck, because this style of necklace I've found is more flattering on me than a straight-up choker. The earrings are a little hard to see, but they start off with a diamond stud, off of which comes a gold chain, and the gold chain ends in a gold hoop with a little cross hanging inside of it. I'm not really religious, and I'm technically Jewish (if you go off of the fact that I was bat mitzvah'd and that's what both of my parents practice), so the cross aspect is irrelevant. Not a religious statement, I just thought they were cute.

Hair: As I mentioned earlier, this hairstyle took 7 seconds to do. My date noticed that I had been taking forever to get ready, and my hair just didn't fall properly today with it being down, so I just threw it up in a pony and threw in the bow. Honestly, I get waaaay more use out of this bow than I ever thought I would. I like it most over a bun, but being that my hair is short a bun isn't always an easy accomplishment. I also tend to hate my hair in a ponytail (I feel it always looks way too casual), but the bow really dresses it up in a very nice way. I highly recommend all of my readers invest in one, because it's a total lifesaver when you don't have tons of time to get ready and do you hair, or when your natural hair looks like crap.

Makeup: I've recently noticed that I hate to do a ton of eye makeup, quite frankly because I make a huge mess and it never ends up looking good (if only I was as good at makeup as I am at fashion *sigh*). Normally, I'll do some simple face makeup with my Bare Minerals foundation, veil, and concealer, and I'll throw white eyeliner on the waterline, black gel liner (the kind that comes in that little pot that you use a sharp and small angle brush to apply) under that, fill in the brows with my Urban Decay brow box, and some mascara to top it all of. However, since I had a date today I thought I'd do a little extra (but still not much). All I did was throw some rose gold shadow on my lids, and a matte light brown on the crease, and that was just enough to dress it up a little bit without really doing much.

pro-tip: If your concealer gets too much on your lips and makes them too nude, but you don't wanna fully commit to lipstick, just put on some LipStain and then wipe it off. Seriously. It gives you that little pop of color you want without having to keep up with a lipstick all night. Your Welcome.

Weird how this blog post is about my #OOTD but I ended up writing more about what was going on with my facial area than my outfit, right? Sorry! I got carried away. I normally don't accessorize or do too much makeup, so since today I actually did those things I thought I'd elaborate. 

Xoxo,

Liza Jane 

I don't always party, but when I do.. (personal post)

I have an absolutely beautiful time with great people!

My lovely little readers! I am so sorry for the week-long hiatus, I've been keeping up with the family (my parents are in Florida so I'm helping my grandparents babysit), keeping up with school (and dealing with teachers I'd like to drop-kick in the throat), and hanging out with some new people to see how that works out

I'm never really that "busy"; I only go to school 3 days a week for 3 hours, and I don't have a job or that many friends really. This week was just unusually weird...

ANYWAY

Tonight I had one of the most lovely experiences of my life, and I'm not even close to exaggerating. My friend Matt Deifer is a phenomenal body painter (find some of his beautiful masterpieces here) that paints for BodyPaint.Me, and tonight he had a studio warming party to welcome a new artist, David J. Miller (check out some of his work here), into his studio. The party was wonderful; there were so many artists everywhere you looked, and I got to spend it with a really good friend of mine that I brought with me(super secret hint: my "What is Love?" entry is about said mystery person). There was wine and snacks, and I brought some hard liquor for the party (you're supposed to bring something to a " ___ warming party", right? Also this is the only thing I drink.. very frequently I might add). I met a lot of cool people that were all unique and interesting in their own ways; some did special effects make up, some were into photography, but most of them were artists of some form. There were a few body painters there, but I am most familiar with Matt so I had him paint me. Afterwards, David took pictures, but guess what! I did too! They're not nearly as good, but they're good enough for memories, and that's good enough for me. 

I took a ton of pictures because this is a night I will remember for a very long time, and I look really drunk and really happy in all of them because I was. Some are blurry, some I look fat, some are a little awkward, but they're all beautiful in their own way and I love every single one of them. Readers, I now share with you..... the evidence that I sometimes do things, and cool things at that! Take a look!

Side Note: For anyone who can't tell, my chest piece is inspired by one of my favorite photos: a jellyfish on a typical therapist chair with a glass of red wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other (replace the red wine with Svedka and it's my spirit animal). This photo is notorious for being my computer and phone background for maaaany months. Here is the photo:

Matt did an incredible job, and he did my whole chest piece in like 30 minutes. I'm sure he would've taken more time to detail it if he had it, but unfortunately I have an 11 o' clock curfew and it makes my social life a cruel joke (normally, at least). Now that we've got the specifics of the piece itself down, its party time! drumroll please!

**drumroll**..........

Fellow Party-goers:

Matt Deifer

Matt Deifer

Bob Landi a.k.a My arm candy for the night ;)

Matt Deifer

Just me and my chest piece:

My bathroom photo shoot (and a closer look at the piece):

and last but not least.....

The Great Landi (ride back home):

And there you have it, readers! I hope that I made up for my lack of posting this week by posting a ton of photos in this blog post. Further, I hope you enjoy all of the photos as much as I do. :)

It's 3:45am and sleep doesn't appear to be happening for me tonight, but I hope all of you readers are having a wonderful night and an even better sleep to top it all off!

Xoxo,

Liza Jane

#OOTD feeling like fall

Fall is now in full swing, and you know what that means? I FINALLY get to wear all the cute fall outfits I bought that I've been waiting all summer to wear! Such as...

In my fall must-haves blog post I talked about how my favorite way to wear a cropped sweater is over a dress, and here is proof of how cute it looks! I got this Free People sweater from my favorite store Loehmann's (which unfortunately closed a year or so ago and my heart totally broke) a few years ago and I'm still in love. The dress is a plain black bodycon dress from Forever 21, and since I bought it in July I've worn it on average 4 times a week. It is the perfect dress to throw on, and it's so easy to dress up or down any way you'd like.

Here's a closer look of my bottom half. The socks I got at Urban Outfitters 3 or 4 years ago and they're a great fall staple. I tend to wear a lot of black, and these knee highs are perfect to throw on with a black dress to make it a little more casual, or to keep the calves nice and toasty. The brown buttons are a pretty cool addition too because I can break the "don't wear brown and black together" rule and throw a brown piece in (be it a cardigan or a necklace) and have it match the little buttons. The boots are Lucky Brand, and they're the only brown boots I own, which means they get a lot of wear on the days where I don't wear all black or when I'm going for a more bohemian look.

Here's a picture from the back, just incase anyone was wondering what the outfit looked like from behind. Also, ignore my thighs because the shadow and editing did something obviously hideous to them and made them look horrible (like I needed help with that).

Close-up of my necklace. Not sure where it's from, but my mom came in yesterday to give it to me and it is the cutest little fall accessory. In case you're having a hard time seeing it, those are acorns and a gold leaf on a gold chain. How cute, right?! So fall.

I just wanted to add a picture of my nails because they're on point and I barely ever do them, usually I'm too lazy or too broke. They're acrylics with black gel polish and white daisies painted on them, and I'm absolutely in love with the way they turned out.

I just wanted to add this one in of me and my dog because I thought it was really cute. His names Nino, and we also own his brother Charlie but he isn't pictured (maybe next time). My mom said he matched my outfit and made me hold him, but the picture turned out really cute.

Anyway, that's it for my super-fall-themed #OOTD. Hope everyone's enjoying their fall so far, and if not then I hope you can try your best to at least appreciate the weather while its just a little bit chilly before the big bad winter rears its ugly freezing head!

Xoxo,

Liza Jane

What is Love? (personal post)

What is Love?

Love is waking up in the morning and seeing a text from someone that makes you feel so happy and relaxed that you fall back asleep without even realizing

Love is going to the mall to buy body jewelry and holding hands, because if you don't hold hands that person will run into every store they see and you don't have all day

Love is taking care of any bugs that come around because no one wants to see a 19 year old woman throw a temper tantrum and cry.. trust me

Love is driving into Philly to go to that awesome italian place thats been there forever and stuffing your faces full of pizza and calamari until you can't move

Love is going out to eat and rating each waitress and sharing your rates over a plate of wings

Love is when you both end up smoking the same kind of cigarettes 

Love is having sex so loud that mom heard how "good that felt" last night, and it's so classic you just have to laugh about it after

Love is taking a two hour road trip to PA together and sharing secrets and cigarettes the whole way

Love is meeting the grandparents and having them gush over you because you're italian too

Love is calling each other out on bullshit because nobody kids a kidder, kid

Love is helping fix up her makeup that is now everywhere from from that blow job.. you're welcome, by the way

Love is getting the drunchies and going straight to Wendy's

Love is getting naked the second you get in the door because you have 20 minutes to fuck before siblings intrude on it

Love is having sex at your friend's houses because you just can't keep your hands off each other

Love is calling to tell her some bullshit that happened at work, or her calling to talk about how dumb her classes at school were

Love is helping search the house and retrace steps to find a lost wallet that was actually just sitting on a dresser 

Love is cuddling and falling asleep to Adult Swim

Love is holding onto her clothes and letting her wear yours because she doesn't feel like putting her tight slutty outfit on when she's hungover at 7am

Love is putting her favorite Netflix show (Shameless, the UK edition) on your phone at night while you're cuddling because you've never seen it before and she can't fall asleep without it

Love is being so tired out from sex that you walk into the sister's room naked because you thought it was the bathroom

Love is teasing each other and calling each other assholes because it's funny 

Love is him having work at 7am but he invites you to sleep over anyway so you can fuck all night and cuddle for a few hours before he has to wake up 

Love is calling someone "too drunk all of the time" in the nicest way possible and they don't get mad because it's true

Love is having memorized what to get from the liquor store; referring to the amount, to the brand, to the flavor, to the chaser, to the size of the bottles

Love is having her scratch your lottery tickets while you drive, but she's really unlucky so of course you win nothing

Love is sharing your odd fetishes with each other, and being open to experimenting with them

Love is watching him play video games because you get to hangout with him and thats enough

Love is having hair with fingers always running through it

Love is telling him that its been 30 minutes and he needs to help you out because your'e getting tired

Love is holding someone while they hysterically cry and telling them to breathe because everything's gonna be alright, and they scratch your back because they know you love that

Love is calling the other person when you get home to let them know you got home okay

Whether both people feel the love or not is a different story, but it sure is a beautiful thing

Xoxo,

Liza Jane