alive (personal post) *explicit content*

WARNING: Shit is About to Get Real

I am writing this for plenty of reasons:

1) this is an attempt at some form of closure that I never really got

2) I need to remind myself of why/how I'm alive so I can keep it that way

3) I hope someone reading this will be helped and/or inspired by it

...and here we go

I have been through some shit in my life; I'm 19 years old, but it feels like I've lived and enough to be about 180

But maybe that's just because the lifetime I've been going along with has thrown some experiences at me that some people wouldn't even believe

You know that saying, the one about how God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers? Every time I heard this I used to hate it

Strong? Me? You've got me confused with someone else, mister

For a while it felt like "God" was giving his most hellish battles to his most fragile angel 

Because what's funnier than watching a weak little girl think she has a fighting chance? Am I right?

I would try and fight the battles, but I would stand up for myself only to be knocked down

After awhile I got tired, so tired, of fighting. Why fight something you can't win?

These battles tested my wits, and you know what? I eventually gave up

I picked my skin until it swelled, cut until I was profusely bleeding, cried until my eyes looked as in pain as my heart felt

Thinking, is this what you guys want? You now have me at my most vulnerable

I am totally and irreparably broken... happy?

But there's one thing I didn't realize until recently:

You have to pick and choose your battles, and you're  not going to win them all, no matter what

But you know what you can win?

The war

Because as much bullshit as the world wants to throw at you, and as bad as things may seem,

You're still alive

There are people all over the world that have dealt with the same problems as me, but weren't so lucky, as in they didn't make it out alive

But why me? It can't be because I'm special, because all those years of being bullied taught me how much of a piece of shit I am

And further than that, even if I AM a piece of shit, I don't think I deserve half of the cards I was dealt

Yeah, there's things I've been able to control and say yes or no to, but other things aren't so easy

Yeah I can say yes/no to drugs, but its a lot harder to say that to the face of your rapist, especially when you already said no once, except he didn't give a fuck

But regardless, living through these battles has nothing to do with being special, or with being a piece of shit that needs the punishment

It has to do with the fact that obviously you are strong enough, because you're still here

I had (key word had) a terrible god awful drug issue, but I'm still alive

I've been raped twice, once robbed for my virginity, the second time robbed for my money, phone, and dignity, but I'm still alive

I've had to be sent to the psych ward a couple of times, but I'm still alive

I've had the nice beaten out of me by my one ex on a regular basis, but I'm still alive

I've found love and completely fucked it up and lost that person, but I'm still alive

I could go on all day

But the point I'm trying to make is that you are strong enough to face the problems that've been thrown at you

And the proof? You're still alive!

I used to loathe being alive, and I tried really ending it a few times because it became unbearable

But I've been strong enough to make it this far, and I still wake up every morning and live another day

And trust me, If I can do this shit, so can you

You don't have to be humble, you don't have to act special, you don't have to be happy all the time

All you have to realize is that you are a human, and our minds and experiences really test our patience

And each time you go through something, you get stronger

You have lived through another hardship, and it is important to recognize the life you still have and the strength that you have accumulated over your lifetime

I might be a bitch, a bastard, a slut, anything you wanna call me

But before anything I am strong, and no one can ever take that away from me, or you

Keep on keeping on

Xoxo, 

Liza Jane